Letting go.

Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen.

- Arianna Huffington

I resigned from by job September last year. I decided to take a one month break before hunting for a new job because I felt like I am afraid to risk having a vacation in fear of burning money. With enough savings, I took the risk and let myself breathe. I gave myself at most three month window time to find a new job. By January, I had a rush job offer in Manila, pending final interview in a Singaporean company based in Manila and unexpectedly, a pending to-be job offer in an Australian company.

During the three month that I am looking for a job, I raised the bar and took on the courage to pursue my dream of working in Japan. Luck was not on my side by then. Thinking of alternatives, I have a dream to live by myself and work abroad and so I searched for jobs besides Japan. A handful of email exchange here and there and finally, I was able to hold grip of an opening in Australia. Way back, I was so thrilled and happy, amazed at myself for taking on the risk and courage to go outside of my comfort zone, to chase after my dream and make it happen. I declined the offer in Manila, withdraw the Singaporean application and happily accepted the job offer in Australia. Only during that time that I felt my courage evaporate and all the what ifs and negativity of leaving abroad sink in. But, at the same time, the giddiness and excitement dwells inside me.

February, I was able to complete all my requirements and all I have to do is sit down and wait for my work visa. Unfortunately, that type of work visa was currently on its brink of extinction due to some policy changes in Australia. I have to wait for at most nine to eleven months, no not only me, but other folks with expectations of tasting Oz. It was an external factor. I did my best on the interview and on completing out all the requirements in a short time - "making it happen". Now, my patience is at its end, all the excitement gone, and all the positivity replaced with negativity. It was one of the hardest challenge of my life. The wait is killing most of us.

The Internet made our life easier and instant. It was a world of knowledge and connectivity in just a tap. Need to know something? Google it. Want some new dress? Order it online. We became accustomed to life in a tap - or maybe for me. A life where we can get anything we want in an instant and that made me resistant to waiting. I read everyday forums about the visa. Refresh everyday the immigration website. But there's nothing I can do on my end, that thousand of clicks and refresh cannot help on speeding up my visa, all it does is to bulk up my frustration and impatience.

Yes, my patience and understanding is at its end. I thought of giving up on the result of stepping out of my comfort zone but I felt the need to let go. I felt that all these frustration and impatience comes from me holding on to something I really want and it's not bad. But I have to let go of the me who loves things on a tap, let go of thinking that I can control and make all things I wanted possible. I have to let go. I need to accept things that aren't in my control, and to live with the flow - "letting it happen". It's a work in progress but I decided that instead of making matters worse, I need to try on going on with the flow - doing things I love (which I cannot do when I have work), thinking of my childhood, enjoying a sip of coffee and a glance at my dreamcatcher.

Weak and Strong.

"Being weak is being strong."

I am currently on vacation and waiting for my visa. Waiting is killing me. Why? Because all those negative thoughts keep bugging me, now that I have more time to live slowly and think. Looking back to the path I took, I dump my experience on my first job to venture on a new career. I am happy but when my mood is on the blue spectrum, I kept thinking "Is it worth it?", "My past classmates are now up on the career ladder, what did I just risked!", "I should have been this and that, if I just haven't".

Last time, I was able to chat with my friend and she shared that she's like having a quarter life crisis, thinking about what she really wants to do. It was funny, because in social medias, you can only see happy faces, events, and successes. As you scroll down the timeline, deep inside, it affects you, evaluating yourself why you are not like them, always. But it's just a facade, beneath those happy faces, are lonely experiences and beneath the successes, are underlying failures and perseverance. What we see are just end results.

Being on her shoes once, I shared my experience when I was on the same boat - evaluating my life, my passion, the what ifs. And I come to realize that if I climbed straight to the success ladder, I wouldn't have been able to empathize with her, to share my thoughts, my experience. Sometimes we think that we should keep our weaknesses deep inside us, to show the world that we are a boulder - strong and firm. If we are weak, then we cannot inspire, we cannot be a model. But what I felt was the opposite, being weak has made me strong, being weak allows me to keep my feet on the ground and feel more connected with others. With this feeling, I didn't just helped someone, but I also gained help. I felt stronger because I know I am not alone and I didn't have to mask the loneliness or weaknesses deep inside me.

Love is a Responsibility.

Last night, I watched Atom Araullo's Philippine Seas documentary and I felt a mix of delight and heartbreak. Delight - that our country is blessed with marine biodiversity and heartbreak - that people failed to take care of them. Now, travel is a must have thing. We have lots of places to check in our bucketlist. Now, food is a must try thing. We have lots of restaurants and hidden gems that we must visit, lots of bookmarked recipes we need to cook. Food and travel. A millenial's lifestyle.

We often describe ourselves or post these words to social media pages - "I love food", "YOLO - Travel", "Foodgasm", "Travel is the best learning experience". We love foods. We love travel. But then our love is a selfish type. Our love only fills our need, our greed, our boredom and at the other side of the rainbow, we irresponsibly eat and travel. We eat greedily without knowing bees are losing their habitats, seafoods are caught in an unimaginable amount sometimes illegally, livestocks leave tons of carbon footprints. All of these just to satisfy our hunger. We travel and sees the the world has to offer but we fail to reciprocate and offer the world our mind to preserve its beauty. We just travel. Take pictures of it. Post it to social media, felt happy, blessed. And then we never took notice of the garbage we dispose and where they go, the carbon footprints we produce by using cars, fuels, etc.   

We failed to take responsibility to our love. We take away the beauty of this world and never offered it our mind to preserve it. Let us be reminded that we are only a part of this world. We may be the smartest race to have evolved but great power comes with great responsibility. Let us never forget that we are a community and it is our responsibility to take care of nature. Just like how a car enthusiast loves his car - taking care of it day and night, let's love responsibly - dig deeper and know more of nature, eat and travel that balances what is took and what is produced.

Start small.

"Big things often have small beginnings."

One of my end goals in life is to have a small house with a big farm. I have always dreamt of planting vegetables I would cook and imagined eating with a bunch of flowers decorating my table. It was my end goal. I am thinking it will happen sometime in the future and for now, I would just live in a bedspace in Manila, with little greens around me.

One night, I cooked a dish with a green onion on it. With the influence of YouTube, it hit my head that we can put the roots in a jar of water and let it grow. I did it out of whim and few days later, I got home to my province and forget that I put the green onion roots on the water. When I came back after two weeks, I was surprised to see that my green onion was moved to a pot by our landlady and that it has two new green sprouts on it! Gleeful, I took a photo of it (the one above).

What I realized is that we may have big dreams, big aspirations in our mind that we think we can only do in the future because we are not yet capable now. But, we can start small, like my farm, I can start planting little garnish greens (green onions, basil) and invest in what I only have now. The important thing is we started, we began to do something with our dream and little by little it is coming true.

Live less. Observe more.

Roaming the house - there's television on the living room; tables and cellphones are being charged because it was exhausted from being used all day; airconditioner, fluffy pillows and comforter on the bedroom; elaborate curtains hid the scenery from outside; groceries with lots of foods stocked on the cabinet and refrigerator; cars filled the garage of the front house.

I felt very comfortable on this setup and isn't it a good thing? I can watch TV when I'm bored; I can connect to the wifi and see all things amusing in the Internet; I can sleep heavily till midday; I can eat whenever I want or I am bored :P Yes, I was truly blessed but I think somewhat this comfort led me to become less observant of nature, to connect with it. Why? Because I can just live my life comfortably inside the house, I became blind living on my own terms.

That is why I visioned that if I am to build my own house there will be a small house with a large space for greens. There will be large glass windows with thin curtains so sunlight can go through and I can always see the beauty of nature. There's bicycle so I can roam the streets with the breeze, chit chat with nearby neighbors. There's less, so I can observe more - slowly sipping my cup of coffee in front of the garden early in the morning (because sunlight woke me up) or gazing at the beauty of the universe at night on the balcony.

The Money Game

When I opened a new savings account to hold my extra earnings, the teller asked me if I was interested to open a Unit Investment Trust Fund(UITF) instead. She insisted on the benefits and higher return rate I could get if I opt instead for the latter but I refused, giving myself some time to think it through. When I go wander to that moment and ponder, it's funny how money controls us in what I coined as its 'Money Game'.

We unknowingly played it all along and the Game Master were the business people, the bank people. Through time it evolved to make us work harder and harder for a future of materialism. First level, we need to work to earn money and buy our needs. That's okay. Second level, we need to work harder or longer to earn more money and buy our wants (Yey! we get a shot of short-term happiness). Third level, we need to open up a savings account to save money and prepare for the uncertainties the future brings. With this, we actualized in our mind to be ruled out by money, to let it control our life, to be crippled by it and chase it. The game never ends, it keeps on evolving. The fourth level lashed out the safety net 'savings account' will shield for the future's uncertainty, now they are instilling that its gonna be beaten by inflation and we need to go opt for stocks and UITF that now will give us the safety net.

Will the chase for higher interest rates and bigger income come to an end? Will it while they keep on advertising artificial needs, securities, and wants?  

Abstraction.

I came upon a video about Django ORM explaining the importance of knowing your tools not just using it.

I watched Youtube videos documenting how we are losing bees which are necessary for pollination.

At first, these two events seems unrelated with each other but when I think about it they both scream out the word 'Abstraction.' In computing, it just mean being able to do things without diving too deep into the technical parts. In modern era, as our good ancestors do not want us to suffer the way they did, they made abstraction for things. In Django, so we do not need to handle painstakingly SQL statements, they created the Django ORM. In consumerism, businessmen offered abstraction by delivering right in our doors, in our mobile phones, in the supermarkets, products that we can buy and consume easily. They made it easy but they made us blind also. We always tend to take things for granted. We have ORMs that made CRUD easier, so why bother digging further to SQL. Our fruits can be easily picked from the supermarket, so why bother knowing how they were delivered and produced.  We are dumb and irresponsible for taking these things for granted. Great powers come with great responsibility. Our lives are made easier but we must allot some of these made-free time to dive into what abstraction made hidden. A last sentence to ponder:

"Do we know that our greedy population, eating too much, building too much space for us to live have destructed the ecosystem bees needed in order to live? Do we even care or know that they are the keys for producing the fruit we pick in the market? Or we just don't care, hell, I'll just pick and eat?"