Letting go.

Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen.

- Arianna Huffington

I resigned from by job September last year. I decided to take a one month break before hunting for a new job because I felt like I am afraid to risk having a vacation in fear of burning money. With enough savings, I took the risk and let myself breathe. I gave myself at most three month window time to find a new job. By January, I had a rush job offer in Manila, pending final interview in a Singaporean company based in Manila and unexpectedly, a pending to-be job offer in an Australian company.

During the three month that I am looking for a job, I raised the bar and took on the courage to pursue my dream of working in Japan. Luck was not on my side by then. Thinking of alternatives, I have a dream to live by myself and work abroad and so I searched for jobs besides Japan. A handful of email exchange here and there and finally, I was able to hold grip of an opening in Australia. Way back, I was so thrilled and happy, amazed at myself for taking on the risk and courage to go outside of my comfort zone, to chase after my dream and make it happen. I declined the offer in Manila, withdraw the Singaporean application and happily accepted the job offer in Australia. Only during that time that I felt my courage evaporate and all the what ifs and negativity of leaving abroad sink in. But, at the same time, the giddiness and excitement dwells inside me.

February, I was able to complete all my requirements and all I have to do is sit down and wait for my work visa. Unfortunately, that type of work visa was currently on its brink of extinction due to some policy changes in Australia. I have to wait for at most nine to eleven months, no not only me, but other folks with expectations of tasting Oz. It was an external factor. I did my best on the interview and on completing out all the requirements in a short time - "making it happen". Now, my patience is at its end, all the excitement gone, and all the positivity replaced with negativity. It was one of the hardest challenge of my life. The wait is killing most of us.

The Internet made our life easier and instant. It was a world of knowledge and connectivity in just a tap. Need to know something? Google it. Want some new dress? Order it online. We became accustomed to life in a tap - or maybe for me. A life where we can get anything we want in an instant and that made me resistant to waiting. I read everyday forums about the visa. Refresh everyday the immigration website. But there's nothing I can do on my end, that thousand of clicks and refresh cannot help on speeding up my visa, all it does is to bulk up my frustration and impatience.

Yes, my patience and understanding is at its end. I thought of giving up on the result of stepping out of my comfort zone but I felt the need to let go. I felt that all these frustration and impatience comes from me holding on to something I really want and it's not bad. But I have to let go of the me who loves things on a tap, let go of thinking that I can control and make all things I wanted possible. I have to let go. I need to accept things that aren't in my control, and to live with the flow - "letting it happen". It's a work in progress but I decided that instead of making matters worse, I need to try on going on with the flow - doing things I love (which I cannot do when I have work), thinking of my childhood, enjoying a sip of coffee and a glance at my dreamcatcher.