Conscious Effort.

Yesterday, I bought new sheets of watercolor papers and frozen Kuchay Pork dumpling. Walking towards the terminal station, I felt suddenly guilty for letting the cashier lady put the watercolor papers on a brown bag. I thought that I could have just put it on my bag instead. Then, a side of me doubted if that will make a difference if the production amount of brown bags are still the same, whether you use it or not. But I thought that maybe, if demand is low, businesses will not avail it then manufacturers will lower the production amount.

Added to that guilt is me holding down a plastic containing the frozen Kuchay Pork dumpling. Ugh, I left my cloth bag at home. Another side of me doubted if using a cloth bag makes a difference if the production amount of plastic bags are still the same, whether we skip plastics or not. But I thought maybe, aside from the effect of lower demand to production, we lower the chance of plastics scattering around or dumping on unknown places since we keep them safe on factories or business drawers.

Caring for the environment requires a conscious effort. In these consumerism era, it is so easy for us to buy stuffs and dispose of them without thinking of their environmental effect. Caring for the environment is a conscious effort to think of the impact of your actions to the environment. On my story, I should have made a conscious effort to think of the environment when the lady packed my watercolor papers - making it a conscious effort until it is innate to us and we automatically responds to anything that can destroy the environment. I also thought that asides from individual making a conscious effort, businesses should take their part on thinking of the environment. One way is to keep reminding customers that they have a choice in terms of using brown bag or plastics,  asking them if they intend to use a bag? I remember that in Taiwan, items are automatically not packed and you have to tell the counter that you intend to buy a plastic bag. It's a good strategy to subconsciously remember that we have a choice.

To start with this conscious effort, I will put on whichever bag I'll use two cloth bags - big and small :)

PS. There are still some debate whether we should use brown bag, plastic bags or cloth bag but whatever is better, we should make a conscious effort to reduce using both the brown and plastic bag and reuse as much as we can our cloth bags.

Letting go.

Life is a dance between making it happen and letting it happen.

- Arianna Huffington

I resigned from by job September last year. I decided to take a one month break before hunting for a new job because I felt like I am afraid to risk having a vacation in fear of burning money. With enough savings, I took the risk and let myself breathe. I gave myself at most three month window time to find a new job. By January, I had a rush job offer in Manila, pending final interview in a Singaporean company based in Manila and unexpectedly, a pending to-be job offer in an Australian company.

During the three month that I am looking for a job, I raised the bar and took on the courage to pursue my dream of working in Japan. Luck was not on my side by then. Thinking of alternatives, I have a dream to live by myself and work abroad and so I searched for jobs besides Japan. A handful of email exchange here and there and finally, I was able to hold grip of an opening in Australia. Way back, I was so thrilled and happy, amazed at myself for taking on the risk and courage to go outside of my comfort zone, to chase after my dream and make it happen. I declined the offer in Manila, withdraw the Singaporean application and happily accepted the job offer in Australia. Only during that time that I felt my courage evaporate and all the what ifs and negativity of leaving abroad sink in. But, at the same time, the giddiness and excitement dwells inside me.

February, I was able to complete all my requirements and all I have to do is sit down and wait for my work visa. Unfortunately, that type of work visa was currently on its brink of extinction due to some policy changes in Australia. I have to wait for at most nine to eleven months, no not only me, but other folks with expectations of tasting Oz. It was an external factor. I did my best on the interview and on completing out all the requirements in a short time - "making it happen". Now, my patience is at its end, all the excitement gone, and all the positivity replaced with negativity. It was one of the hardest challenge of my life. The wait is killing most of us.

The Internet made our life easier and instant. It was a world of knowledge and connectivity in just a tap. Need to know something? Google it. Want some new dress? Order it online. We became accustomed to life in a tap - or maybe for me. A life where we can get anything we want in an instant and that made me resistant to waiting. I read everyday forums about the visa. Refresh everyday the immigration website. But there's nothing I can do on my end, that thousand of clicks and refresh cannot help on speeding up my visa, all it does is to bulk up my frustration and impatience.

Yes, my patience and understanding is at its end. I thought of giving up on the result of stepping out of my comfort zone but I felt the need to let go. I felt that all these frustration and impatience comes from me holding on to something I really want and it's not bad. But I have to let go of the me who loves things on a tap, let go of thinking that I can control and make all things I wanted possible. I have to let go. I need to accept things that aren't in my control, and to live with the flow - "letting it happen". It's a work in progress but I decided that instead of making matters worse, I need to try on going on with the flow - doing things I love (which I cannot do when I have work), thinking of my childhood, enjoying a sip of coffee and a glance at my dreamcatcher.

Weak and Strong.

"Being weak is being strong."

I am currently on vacation and waiting for my visa. Waiting is killing me. Why? Because all those negative thoughts keep bugging me, now that I have more time to live slowly and think. Looking back to the path I took, I dump my experience on my first job to venture on a new career. I am happy but when my mood is on the blue spectrum, I kept thinking "Is it worth it?", "My past classmates are now up on the career ladder, what did I just risked!", "I should have been this and that, if I just haven't".

Last time, I was able to chat with my friend and she shared that she's like having a quarter life crisis, thinking about what she really wants to do. It was funny, because in social medias, you can only see happy faces, events, and successes. As you scroll down the timeline, deep inside, it affects you, evaluating yourself why you are not like them, always. But it's just a facade, beneath those happy faces, are lonely experiences and beneath the successes, are underlying failures and perseverance. What we see are just end results.

Being on her shoes once, I shared my experience when I was on the same boat - evaluating my life, my passion, the what ifs. And I come to realize that if I climbed straight to the success ladder, I wouldn't have been able to empathize with her, to share my thoughts, my experience. Sometimes we think that we should keep our weaknesses deep inside us, to show the world that we are a boulder - strong and firm. If we are weak, then we cannot inspire, we cannot be a model. But what I felt was the opposite, being weak has made me strong, being weak allows me to keep my feet on the ground and feel more connected with others. With this feeling, I didn't just helped someone, but I also gained help. I felt stronger because I know I am not alone and I didn't have to mask the loneliness or weaknesses deep inside me.